I finally passed the kidney stone on Friday night, which was my 30th birthday. It looked like a small, red piece of birdseed. It hurt like nothing I've ever experienced. In the ER, I tried to explain the pain in an analogy. Picture Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris. Now try to imagine that through gene-splicing or black magic or what have you, they created a child together. A child with the power of Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris combined. We will call him Destroyer.
Picture Destroyer as an adult who has been training his mind and honing his body his entire life for one purpose and one purpose only: to punch me in the back. Now, imagine Destroyer has been snorting PCP and injecting amphetamines into his scrotum for 3 days straight, then walks up behind me and puts everything he has into one devastating shot to my right kidney. Then, for good measure, he sticks a white-hot shard of glass up my pee-hole. That's what the kidney stone felt like.
Clinton Davis
- I Got Worms!
- Dallas, Texas, United States
- I was raised by a loving family of raccoons in the wilds of East Texas, where I developed an interest in being nocturnal and knocking over trash cans. I have been odd throughout my life, and never quite fit in with polite society. I believe I may have been Scottish royalty in a past life, as I have a particular fondness for lake monsters and being conquered by the British. I am a magenta belt kung fu super ninja, and I enjoy a Heineken on occasion. I enjoy writing but I am an atrocious typist, however, my penmanship appears as though I write with my feet, so typing it is. I have an incredible vocabulary, and I even speak a little Klingon and some limited Rodian. The film Breakin' and its sequel Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo were based on my life, albeit with some minor creative license. I have a horse named Unicorn and a Unicorn named Jeff. I am an avid exorcist. I think Sweden is producing some great rock bands, if nothing else. I have a third eye.
